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You know those fights you and your partner get in sometimes where you're literally seeing spots and can feel the hot bood pumping through your veins? When you're both so mad that you're really not hearing what the other person is saying, you're mostly just trying to make them hurt like you're hurting?
We have all been there, myself included. In those moments, a therapist trained in the Gottman Method such as myself, suggests taking a break from the fight to calm your body, and returning to the discussion when you're calm and can try again. However, too many couples take their break without REALLY disengaging. You go back over the argument again and again, thinking about what a better comeback this would have been, or how you can say that when you try again so they'll really hear you this time. But if you don't focus on really calming your body down, you're asking to repeat the same painful scenario. That's where my Grounding Cards come in.
This set of Grounding Cards comes with 20 activities that are proven to engage your five senses to "ground" you in the present moment. They activate the parts of your nervous system that calm you down. Just cut them out and keep them wherever you go when you need a moment of peace. When it's time for that break from an argument, choose one (or a few) to try.
This tool was created for use in my self-paced, cheaper-than-full-therapy Premarital Counseling Education Course.
In Gottman Method couples therapy, couples are taught to use a pulse oximeter to help them monitor their heart rate during arguments. They are to clip the device to their finger, and it will beep when the person's heart rate rises to the point of being in a fight-or-flight state. This means that too much blood is pumping to the organs needed for a physical altercation or running from an enemy, and not enough is flowing to the frontal cortex (the part of the brain involved in advanced logical thought).
When this happens, couples are instructed to take a break from the fight to calm their body and try again later. However, too often, couples use that break to go over the fight in their heads instead of really calming down. The exercises on these grounding cards have been proven to engage the five senses in the present moment, thereby sending signals to the brain that the threat is gone, and regular functioning may re-commence.
